I recently got my psych evaluation. I will not divulge the full eval but I can tell you I have situational Anxiety to the point of Mania and Depression. When I heard this report I was like, “Yea, that makes sense”. So who did this to me? Who helped me to be like this? How did I get like this? 

Humans love to blame any and everybody that they can to deflect the issue. Adam blamed Eve and God (a little). Hitler blamed the Jews (I still can’t wrap my head around using them as a scapegoat. I mean he could have easily blamed France. Look back on WW 1 and see what France did to Germany, then you will understand my point). Sorry about that rant. Kids blame siblings and the cycle of blame goes on, and on, and on. Let’s explore my blame path and how I got here.

Parents

My Mom and Dad will always have a place in my life. Their role may diminish and change over the years but they have raised me to be who I am today. My parents were young when they had me. In the 80’s, the average age to have a kid was between 24 and 27. My parents had me at the age of 20. SO, I was a child being born to young adults who were just getting a grip on life. They raised me to the best of their abilities. 

It is so easy to blame the parents. They are the biggest influences in our lives. Every misstep a parent makes is like throwing rock in a pond. They do not see how it affects them until it becomes an issue. 

Friends

I can honestly say, I’m a bad friend. I miss events, I don’t call or text, and I am not reliable. Why? You ask, because of fear. I mess up one time and in fear of disappointing them any further I just keep to myself. I also psych myself out of situations like events cause I’m not big on crowds of people, so I avoid them like a plague.  

Friends are the best and worst influences you will have. LOL. They will make you learn quickly but they will also teach you things you don’t need to learn. As you get older they will be shoulders to cry on and voices of reason. Friends will put you in interesting predicaments and also get you out of them. 

Activities (church, sports, clubs, etc…)

Most of your friends and family will be part of these groups. For me it was church, choirs, and a dash of sports. I actually had learned more from them than being in school. Maybe it’s because I had to actually apply what they said sooner than I had to apply my lessons in class. IDK. I do know they are a big influence. 

Activities shaped the way I do things. Because of choir I will not drink very cold water, only if I’m in like 100 (F) degree weather. I know other activities shaped some of my behaviors. Still exploring this part of myself.   

Partner/Spouse

Here is a big one. The one who we devoted our lives to. This will be short and sweet. Partners/Spouses are just the catalyst to what’s already brewing inside us. I blamed my wife for so many things that were happening to me, mentally. I was like “this is all because of you”, “this has to be your fault”. I never asked the question, “were there any issues that I have not dealt with? What did I cause or do?” If you had asked me this 5 years ago I would have told you, “nope, I’m perfect, the problem is everybody else”.  

It is ssssoooooo easy to blame them. Think about it. You are around each other all the time. You really can’t hide your quirks and faults from each other. You have to accept certain things about each other. After months and even years of certain behaviors, buttons get pushed, triggers get pulled and it’s super easy to blame each other. I read a post from a friend that made me rethink marriage and “arguments”. She said; winning a heated discussion is not the purpose of any discussion. It’s to come to a consensus or new thought through different experiences that we are now sharing.   

Your own mind

In all of our searching to find the culprit of our angst and pain I find it interesting the last thing we do is look inward. I have many moments in life that plague me. I recently had a talk with my aunt. She reminded me of the “good life” I had growing up, and she was not wrong. One of my issues was that I never talked about the bad things that happened. They were far and in-between but I never talked about it. I never dealt with my grandmother passing. I was a kid but I realized she was gone. I never dealt with how I was bullied. Recently I have not dealt with the fact that I have to be a people pleaser. 

I can only speak for myself but my mind is a battlefield of opposing thoughts and suggestions. On the lighter end it’s like bureaucrat arguing over semantics. OH! Does anybody remember Ben 10? He had an alien who could change reality, but its mind was 2 arguing entities. Ben was supposed to be the tie breaker. When they all agreed they could literally change the universe. That’s how I feel. I feel I could contribute so much to the world but my mind is in deadlock with itself. 

I get so annoyed by the blame game. Humans have this primal urge to find fault in things and others. Crazy enough the fault lies in our own perception of prejudices. It hurts to be born in a time when humanity is still in the womb. C’est la vie. But there is no way but up from here, or mutually assured destruction. Lol. Seriously we have to improve as a people and we will. 

Published by Jamar Reed

I'm just a Father who likes to write. Hopefully my words will mean something in a sea of countless others.

Join the Conversation

5 Comments

  1. Good read! Glad you can find what is broken with in you, truly that is the first step. But heal, move on, and do not ever let yourself be imprisoned by the blame or the game….. no one gets things right all the time but you are NOT WRONG all the time either. Forgive yourself and others quickly for a mistake or mistakes and keep moving…..in case you did not know, remember this, love does not keep record of right or wrong!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great insight and well put. I really enjoy reading your perspective because I can relate to some many of your thoughts. Your quote” the battlefield of opposing thoughts and suggestions ” got me. I struggle with this and recently started to become more self aware to stop the mind battlefield before it paralyze me in my tracks. I’m not there yet. I’m still working in progress.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply to Terry Johnson Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: