It’s been awhile since I posted anything. I honestly could not focus long enough to string any advice or life lesson together. I have been tossing back and forth between being hurt, upset, angry, disappointed, and fed up. BUT, when you feel powerless to do anything about it. What can you do? Me, I write. So I’m sorry no advice on this one (maybe let’s see where this goes).
What’s my issue
My issue is me and us. I honestly can’t wait for this year to end. The year was not a good year for the world in general and we are only half way through the year. History is an interesting thing. In 1920 the world was going through a flu pandemic and natural disasters. In 2020 Australia was on fire, missiles were being launched in the middle east (putting us on the verge of WW3 or at the least another middle eastern conflict), and we were hit by another flu pandemic.
Now that was mostly out of our control, BUT, in the midst of all this, civil unrest came out of this by the death of one black american, George Floyd. Now prior to his death Amaud Arbery was shot by Caucasian civilians while jogging. Then there are the “Karens”, crying foul on every minority action in the world. (I myself had a run in with a “Karen” calling the cops on me. She never confronted me, but when a Caucasian woman walks past you, real slow, staring at you, several times and the cops show up ten min later. Come on! I wrote about it in a previous blog). Plus the thousands of deaths that never reached the news.
I am sick of this world and society. To make matters worse I am dealing with the backlash of my own failing in my home.
SO, the world is currently protesting. I am scared as a black male to make any move. I am not financially stable causing issues in my life. I have to home school my son while trying to navigate remote learning for the students I help teach. I lost my car right before the pandemic started. I am too unfocused to really write. I am so pissed at the police right now (just the bad ones. I have family in law enforcement and the bad ones are not helping them). I’m stuck at home. The world is “shut down”, I think, I don’t even know anymore. The new season of Rick and Morty is over and I can’t get distracted by work so I have to really deal with my marital issues and my own issues.
I am hurt
I have been writing about this civil unrest since last year. I have been asking, what is our president doing? since his 2nd year in office. I have been writing about new ideas to make America and the people better. Oh, and I know I’m not the only one. Bloggers, magazines, news, comics, celebrities, everybody has been asking these questions for years now. Yet we are still in this cycle, this limbo. It’s actually worse than being in hell.
You see in limbo things don’t change. No one advances. You just sit there wondering, “WIll it get better?”. I mean I hope it will but then I think and see the pockets of unrest as big as these protests and others as small as my son being unruly (kids know when you are a little off).
I am just hurt and mentally weak from the stress of being me. I know some won’t want to hear this or will agree with me, but as a minority and a man everything we deal with is like double or triple for me. I can only speak for myself and those around me. We weren’t taught how to invest or save. We weren’t taught how to take risks financially or sustain our own business. We did what was passed down to us, work hard, keep your head down, go to church, and pray the next day will be better.
Today, the same job that helped my grandfather sustain a household can’t even help me support myself (he worked at a cleaners. His wife was an elementary school teacher). I have all this lack piled up on me and now I have to look my wife and son in the eyes and all they see is my lack. I am not even mad at my wife. She is upset with the current state of the world and the man she bet on, to push our family along has failed her, many times. The plans we had have not been fulfilled. The dreams we expressed to each other are now covered by a fog of uncertainty. The fact that she is still married to me is a miracle. She is such a trooper. I know what you’re thinking, “J, didn’t you write about this in your early blogs, almost a year ago? YUP!” That’s the problem and that’s why it hurts so much.
What will we do
I see the protest and I’m scared. I don’t know where this will all lead. Some see it leading to change. Some see it leading to riots (and in some places it has already happened). Others see it fading out. I feel like it will only be one more step. But we had one maybe 2 steps in the 1860’s then again in the 1960’s. I don’t want to wait another 40 years for the next step. I want a 1000 steps, I want change and I want it NOW!
I want us all to be paid according to our skill set not our color. I want to have pride in marking “Black” on an application (some places only want you cause you are black and others don’t want you because you are black). I want us to be able to look at law enforcement with pride knowing they are keeping us safe not looking at them in fear. I want to have the feeling my son will be accepted and another parent or teacher will not judge him because of his skin color (cause kids learn prejudice they are not born with it). I want me and my wife to have sitcom issues like we were at the mall for an extra 2 hours because we forgot where we parked or we are in competition with another kid’s parents at my son’s science fair, we end with a life lesson and laugh about it. Not wondering how a bill will be paid every month or both of us working over time and too burned out to just live and enjoy each other.
I WANT CHANGE FOR ME AND THE WORLD NOW!
I have prayed, fasted, yelled, punched stuff, cryed, learned, made some good financial choices, exercised, eating healthier, worked more, listened, tried to apply learned lessons, and I am only a step from where I was. I WANT MORE! I am done crying and being upset, I AM MAD.
Pictures owned by Disney/Marvel from the movie “Black Panther” Micheal B Jordan as Erik Kilmonger