A whimsical guide to home schooling parents and just kids in general.
Scene: A man standing on his porch, mask and gloves on Captain Morgan style on his steps. He stares with a rigorous fervor over the neighborhood, his neighborhood. He knows what needs to be done. He flexes his massive muscles and goes to work… sharpening pencils for his 5 year old.
Day 5: The quarantine is hard. It hit us all like a wrecking ball. We were all ill prepared. Then it happened. The schools closed. Overnight we had to become… Teachers. Most took to the task. For some it was natural. My story, well it’s a little different, like my son. I know I have to submit the beast before any lesson can be taught. Summer is coming. I don’t know if I will make it till then. My mind is slowly slipping. I hear the Thomas the Train song in my dreams. I am beginning to forget what time is or what my office at work looked like. If you read these words please, remember me as I was not this thing I am turning into.
OK, just being dramatic. This one will be a little different than my usual blogs. I know we are all stuck at home, but we can all still learn something and have some fun. So here is a kids stat sheet, scifi/fantasy style to help you gauge kids and help you combat, I mean, teach them in this time of quarantine.
Daycare (Baby to Toddler)
Ages: 0.5 – 3 👶
AKA: “aawwww”, Terrible 2’s, the unreasonable ones, stank, chubs, lil stinker, peanut, (insert family member name) baby ex: pop pops baby, unrecognizable name ex:uka buka boo boo
Known phrases said to them: “Wow, you got it all up you back”, “How did you get poop in there?” “Who’s my precious baby, you are”, “Where did you put your pacifier?”, “Why are you still up, it’s 3 in the morning? You haven’t slept in 2 days. Why?”, “You look just like your (insert random family member)”, “don’t eat that!”, “Ok! threw up right in/on my (pick any place on your body)
Things they are most likely to do: Get sick every 3 months right after going to daycare Swallow a coin Throw up after being feed (babies) Break toys Fall on butt Pee on you Laugh at your pain Crawl Walk Eat play doh Eat a crayon gGet food everywhere
Scale 1 (low) to 10 (high)
I like to refer to them as squishy boxes of confusion and emotions. I remember My son at this age. I sometimes called him a jerk (under my breath). Oh, they start off cute, just give them time. They do and repeat everything they should not, but, never listen to what you are telling them that will help them. My son would literally look at me and reach for something. I will say “you can’t have that buddy”, and he will stare at me and still grab the item. Like all fear and logic out the window. The only thought is what he wants. They tend to be very territorial of those close to them.
This age also holds the most wonder. Everything is new, bright and big. They have no concept of fear, space, boundaries, time, or prejudice. They can see the wonder in everyday life and be captivated by the most minute things in the room.
As a parent the way you get past this is just waiting them out. They are genius strategists at this age. Some will get you sleep deprived and then strike. Some will over use their cute factor. Others will lean on the weak parent and pull on their heart strings. At this age they can not be trusted. Use this time to learn them. Find their weakness, a song, a certain Gerber food, a certain snack, maybe a toy. My son’s were these little Gerber puffs. Exploit that weakness, BUT, be careful. Like the wind that weakness will change.
Special ability: Cute hypnosis rays The stare Mind Control
Ages: 3 – 7🧒🏻
AKA: champ, princess, slugger, tiger, baby girl, big girl, big boy, little helper, various others (Donald=Don, Nikia=Kia, Jonathan=Jon, Kathlyn=Kat, Abbhijeet=BJ, etc)
Known phrases they say: “My Mom/Dad said (insert info that person was not supposed to hear)”. “What does that mean?”, “My older brother/sister (insert wild story)”, Popular trending slang or phrase
Things they are most likely to do: Eat grass Over eat candy and get sick Get injured Wet the bed Get scared of the dark Lie Go to a friends house (play date) Go through older sibling stuff School play or recital or concert or sporting event
Scale 1 (low) to 10 (high) *body control: they are clumsy
So I like to call this the tribal to early civilization stages. Kids at this age are cold, cruel and snitches, and I love it (LOL). They will tell on any and every body, even adults. They can be so heartless at this age. You ever see a class full of them run out to recess, this is the reason they use lines in elementary schools. These little so and so’s will stampede if given the chance.
This age is so interesting. They are becoming more cognizant of the world around them and learning there is a big world out there. They are reading, writing, doing math and getting more responsibility. They are unfortunately stepping into expectations.
Reverse psychology is a tool you can use. My son is in this category and I use it half the time. The other times, I have to wait him out or use, “The Look”. It’s a look that says, “that is it, I have suffered you insolence, enough”. (LOL). All parents learn “The Look” at one time or another. Also no grey areas, they will eat that up. Ex: “Can I have candy dad?” “NO”. You say anything else you will have a whole discussion on your hands that will lead down a rabbit hole that only you will get lost in. Stand firm, and know you are getting close to better times.
Special Abilities: Rapid recovery (healing) Berserk Rage (sugar rush)
Ages: 7 – 11👦🏼
AKA: So many nicknames
Known phrases they say: “When I was little”, “How do you do this?”, “Can I do It?”, “Can I have some?”, Popular trending, slang or phrases
Things they are most likely to do: Get injured Play an instrument or sport or both Go to a b-day party Eat something they shouldn’t to get attention Other dumb things to get attention
Scale 1 (low) to 10 (high) *things level out for a bit due to the fact that most of them discover video games, reality shows, cellphones, friends and are in a routine.
So this age is full of possibilities. It is the final stage of adolescence. At this age children are very aware of their surroundings in their world. But are also extremely selfish. This will be their last summer of being a kid. Girls are mentally starting to change, while the boys are staying the same. They will get into friendships more and want to be more independent.
This age is rather easy to deal with.(Minus the lack of hygiene. Some will have a different meaning of clean). Be careful of sugar and chemicals you can’t pronounce on the foods they eat. Also watch out for that one friend, you will know him/her when you see them. It is the calm before the storm, but rest easy. You, unbeknownst to yourself, have been training for this time.
Special abilities: Weirdness factor (just being weird) Flux (their bodies are in a weird flux between insanity and logic) Body Temperature control (they will play outside in any weather and not feel a thing)
Ages: 11 – 14 👧🏽🧑🏾👧🏼🧑🏿
AKA: more nicknames, tweens, confused ones
Known phrases they say: “I know!”, “I don’t know?”, All popular slang terms, what ever phrase from a song that is currently trending
Things they are most likely to do: Date Get injured Go through puberty Dislike their parents Want so much attention from friends Do random dances Join a club Do a sport Distance themselves from parents Say dumb stuff
Scale 1 (low) to 10 (high) *energy: can be called upon only by things that interest them. Do not be fooled they have reservoirs of energy.
At this age 2 things happen to common sense. For the boys it leaves for the girls they gain more. The impulsive behavior of boys at this age is remarkable. The same can be said for girls at this age, they are getting interested in how they look, dating, and being more social. Boys are like early cavemen at this age. I say all this from experience and after working with tweens for years it has not changed. They are very cognizant of the world around them but still find a way to keep the focus on themselves and never connect the dots to how one thing affects another. They only want to have a good time and rarely focus on others or talk about their own feelings.
Ok adults, so they may look intimidating but they are trained but don’t know. You have the many things they need, but they also don’t know you have them. Yes they are intelligent but they lack many things. Things like structure, knowledge, coffee, and experience. They are looking for attention, from any direction. Never try to talk to them while on the phone or in a horde (group). They find strength in numbers. Without the rest of the pack they are lost little lambs. Divide and conquer.
Special Abilities: Iron guts Low form of cyberpathy (can talk to electronics) Slightly heightened senses (agility, sight, hearing, strength only while playing video games) Low healing factor Random kinesthetic control (ask them to do a new dance) Making their own language
Ages: 14 – 18 🧑🏿👦🏻👧👧🏾
AKA: there actual name, nickname, their last name
Known phrases they say: “Ok”, “You Good?”, “Mom/Dad, can I have/borrow (insert money value) for (insert school activity, lunch, or social activity)”, “I can’t wait to drive”, “I need a job”, All popular slang terms, what ever phrase from a song that is currently trending
Things they are most likely to do: Date Get injured Go through puberty Tolerate their parents Want to impress friends Do random dances Join a club Do a sport Get “deep” Distance themselves from parents (unless for money) Say dumb stuff Learn to drive Get a job Babysit Study Take all kinds of test
At this point in life everything starts to make so much sense. All the things that you heard over the years from older people are starting to mean something. All the dots have not fully connected but as my dad says “keep living”. Meaning the older you get the more understanding you will get. Every few months things, physically and mentally change. The 4 years in high school came and went. Some people peaked and some prepared for the time after. The lessons are far from over, they have just gotten a little more challenging but they should have the tools to figure things out.
At this point, you are hands off. Life is doing most of the work for you. Your biggest fight is pushing them to not grow up too fast. They will require the most money at this age. You will also have to watch out for that idiot friend. They are a little more responsible but now their actions could cost you some sleepless night. Trust the knowledge you put in them. Also don’t teach them all your skills. Remember to stay sharp because these are the years when they will really test you. Every so often you have to put the boys in a MMA hold to remind them who you are. The girls, just you have to out think them and show no mental weakness. They will sniff out fear like a Boggart (Harry Potter).
Special Abilities: Nigh Invincibility (in their minds) Procrastination Mastery of everything (in their minds) Palpable Confidence Will power of a green lantern Apparently all of them contain some hidden gifts because they are always saving the world in a show, cartoon, or anime
So yea. There was no point to go into a College section, it on them at that point. some come back after but that’s another guide.
Possible cheat codes for kids: Send them to old school grands who live in the south. I mean, in a town, that’s not on a map. Another one is to put them in a school that cost as much as college. Blame them if the kid turns out bad, LOL. If all else fails try Up, up, down, down left, right, left, right, A, B, Start.
Pics courtesy of Samsung stamps