As the year draws to an end, I reflect on a year of pain, depression, joy and changes. I noticed on social media the messages that talk about how many days we had until this decade is over. It reminds me of when 2000 hit (but a little less paranoid, remember the whole Y2K thing, annoying). For some it will just be another year for others it means something more. 

So what did I reflect on and what have I learned? You know ima tell you 😊

Pain 

I probably cried the most this year. I have a big issue with communicating, especially with my wife. Like most men I use few words. My lack of not explaining a situation or omission of information has caused me to land in a lot of issues in our marriage. I also had to deal with depression due to me not being able to properly provide as a father. Anxiety, cause I couldn’t deal with constantly screwing up. I tiptoed around any and everything. I mostly cried because I was tired of feeling like a failure. 

Balance 

I have learned that in all things I do there has to be balance. I was such an extremist. Everything was black and white in my eyes. It took me a year (and I’m still working out the kinks) to balance things in my daily life. Balance between saying what needs to be said but not being a jerk about it. Being humble but not a pushover. Being a husband and not just a working roommate.

Fatherhood

God wakes me up and pushes me, but my son is that little extra push. There are no sick days with kids, no time off, no breaks. My son just goes. Little thought and a lot of energy. I have no choice but to stay on my toes around him. 

Change

This one is simple. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Monotony is good for a time (like at work), but, change it up a bit. I started learning new routes to work. I went to restaurants I had never even heard of. I am currently trying a new hairstyle. This is one of the many reasons I love my wife. She will just do a new hairstyle, or find a place for us to go. She definitely helped inspire my drive to change and try new things.

My Wife

I met this young lady in church years ago. We could not stand each other when we first met. Over time we became good friends. Over the years we dated and then got married. My wife was and is not like most women. I know what you’re thinking “all men say that about their gf or spouse”. So, growing up I did not do too much in terms of finding dates. My dad would always bring these girls by or I would be at a service and be like “we should hang out”. So all the youth really got to know each other. We had sleepovers together. We were in New Years services til about 1 AM. We traveled to other churches together. I think you get my point.

My wife told me, “I’m not like all the other ones. I don’t want to mess up our friendship.” SO she made me work for her for about a year. We both wanted to see if it was just proximity or cause we knew each other so much. We then did 30 days of no contact. We only saw each other on Sundays and a random text during the week to see if we were still breathing. After that we made it official.

I said all this to say no one will get you moving like the one you love. She was different because she wanted to see if I would work for our relationship. I sit back and think about all the arguments, fun times, hard times, passion, anger, and work we put into each other, and we are still together. I can only thank God for that. But I do know I am blessed to have her and she has not even shown me the full scope of her greatness. 

Victory

I have not fully attained victory in 2019, Why? Because every year there is room for improvement. Every year there will be new challenges. No one really attains victory, you just learn how to work your skill set to make every year better than the last.  


Published by Jamar Reed

I'm just a Father who likes to write. Hopefully my words will mean something in a sea of countless others.

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2 Comments

  1. This is helping me so much. Thanks for being transparent. This is encouraging me to look forward to improve in 2020!

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